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A Parallel Story
To "Brokeback Mountain"
By Gary M
I have recently read the short story on which
the movie, "Brokeback Mountain" is based
and I almost felt like I was reading my life story.
I wept most of the way through. I could not wait
to see this wonderful movie.
Here is a bit of my story. My best friend gave
me the name "The Colorado Kid" so I
am reclaiming it because of "Brokeback Mountain."
"My Ennis" was the most handsome masculine
man I had ever known. He taught me to ride horses,
handle a firearm, hunt and do many of the things
that Jack and Ennis do in the movie. He even gave
me a "friendship ring." The only thing
lacking was we never consummated our relationship
sexually. But the hugs and terms of endearment
were nourishing to our bodies and souls.
He was the love of my life. Our camping and hunting
adventures were in the 1970's in Colorado, Wyoming
and Alaska when we were just a little bit older
than Jack and Ennis. We both were in denial of
what we were experiencing and considered it a
Bible style Jonathan--David type relationship.
When do two straight men exchange rings and write
love poems to each other?
We were
both fundamentalist pastors and he finally said
with tears that we should cool our public expressions
of friendship or someone might get the wrong idea.
Talk about denial. I was a fundamentalist pastor
for 25 years and was the same kind of homophobe
that we see in the hateful right wing movement
today. I could preach some of the most hate filled
messages against homosexuality and at the same
time be struggling with desires for my best friend
and some of the men in my congregation. I was
trying desperately to convince myself that I was
not gay. My "Buddy" and I even helped
to found the Moral (immmoral) Majority in the
state of Colorado.
At the same time I was secretly seeking counsel
to rid myself of these desires that I had not
chosen.
I thought in getting married, having children
and serving God that I would be healed. I suspected
that I was gay at 22 but did not once act on it
for 16 years. It was sheer hell. I tried every
theory and therapy available to change including
exorcism. I even fasted one time for 20 days thinking
that would cleanse me of these forbidden thoughts.
Finally
after seriously considering suicide and then opting
to live I had my first adult same-sex relationship
and finally found out what passion was all about
and that this was the real me. I left the ministry
because I could not continue being a hypocrite.
I confided for the first time to "My Ennis"
that I was gay and that I was leaving the ministry.
He wept and said it was his fault that if he had
been a better friend I would not have become gay.
On my
recommendation my church asked him to be their
new pastor. He walked into a very good paying
position with a large congregation and a private
school. My intent was to quietly walk away saying
that I was taking a leave because of stress in
my life which was only part of the story. I purposed
to not embarrass my family or hurt the ministry
I had worked so hard to build. This was not to
be.
Time has proven that "My Ennis" really
was in love with me and my coming out scared him
to death as he even dreamed that he was also becoming
gay. He became so afraid he would also be suspected
if the real reason for my leaving the ministry
got out. Therefore in order to protect himself
he denounced and outed me and I lost all of my
so-called friends. He quickly wiped his tears
and told me that if I did not repent within one
year God would either kill me or one of my children.
When that did not happen a year later he said,
"This proves you have been a fraud from the
beginning." He even tried to get my wife
to dump me. See what a hate filled religion can
do to two people who love each other?
I walked
away from my faith believing that God hated me
and had played a cruel joke on me. My wife who
truly had become my soul mate was the only one
who exemplified God's love. I did not know that
my "Buddy" had encouraged her to leave
me until 20 years later when he confessed this
to me. He said she told him that although she
might have grounds to leave me the Bible did not
command her to do so and she would only leave
if I left her. I honestly wondered how she could
stay with me. I would even bring some of my boyfriends
home to meet her. I was so blind and did a lot
of stupid things.
I believe perhaps one reason she was
able to deal with this without hating me was that
she had seen the pain and struggle I had gone
through for years trying to change before I ever
acted on my orientation. Consequently she knew
that it was not a choice that I had made. Gay
men and straight women can be soul mates and best
friends which was certainly true in our case.
The problem is that there is no real sexual chemistry
no matter how hard they try.
So-called ex-gays who get married when pressed
hard enough have to admit they can only have sex
with their wives when they fantasize about another
man. My friends, that is not healing but deception
and if you want to use Bible terms "mental
adultery." Years later "My Ennis"
asked for my forgiveness and quoted from memory
a poem he had written about our love and friendship.
For a moment I was elated in thinking we could
at least be friends once again, but he again ran
from our friendship because he continues to be
afraid that people will get the wrong idea.
It took me 20 years of trying to make up for lost
time. "So many men and so little time."
I was like a kid in a candy store. All of this
was great fun, but without a committed love relationship
it became rather hollow. I wanted a love relationship
like I had with my "Buddy" and which
is illustrated to a point in the story about Jack
and Ennis. I then went on a search to sort things
out.
Who
the Real God is
I met some wonderful gay Christians at www.ecwr.com
and this changed my life. On this journey I got
a new understanding of who the real God is and
let me tell you God is not the God of the hateful
fundamentalists. I came to realize that God had
actually created me as a gay man and loved me
just as I am. I began to once again walk with
God but this time as an openly gay man. I would
encourage anyone to rent Del Shores' movie, "Sordid
Lives." It presents this message with great
humor, but accurately and in a powerful manner.
Del was a Southern Baptist preacher's son and
the movie tells his life story and how he also
comes to the conclusion that God loves him "just
as I am."
When I began to reconcile my faith and sexuality
my wife and I had to then decide what to do about
our marriage. I had spent 20 years breaking my
marriage vows. I either needed to be honest and
ask my wife for a divorce or make a commitment
to be celibate and renew our vows. She knew I
couldn't change my gay orientation but I promised
her that I would be faithful to her and be celibate
to honor her. I had experienced enough promiscuity
to last a life time and was not sure there was
a male life partner out there who would want me
and share my new goals for life. Also, I did not
want to lose my best friend. I asked her if she
could live without sexual intimacy and she replied
that should be easy as she had managed that for
many years.
She stated that if we could nurture each other
emotionally and spiritually that would be enough.
That is exactly what happened for the next three
years. She became very involved in our Evangelicals
Concerned ministry and became one of the teachers.
Her love and acceptance blessed many of God’s
gay and lesbian children. She was finally able
to also come out of the closet as the wife of
a gay man.
I had no idea when we exchanged our
vows that within three years she would be diagnosed
with stage IV brain cancer and I would lose her.
It was my privilege to care for her the last 10
months of her life. It truly was a labor of love
for the one who had shown so much unconditional
love for me. The Christian Gay community had a
special memorial service for her and many testimonies
and tears were shared regarding her unconditional
love. She became the “mother and big sister”
that many had never had.
The question is: "Should we have divorced
years earlier when we were young and could have
each found someone who was truly meant for each
of us?" Yes, and that is what I counsel today.
It was very unfair that she never got to experience
"the unconditional love" that she so
freely tried to bestow on me. My children today
love me rather than hate me and it is because
of their mother and the way they saw her treat
me. In all honesty though I believe each of them
would agree that we should have been free to each
find the right life mate. This could have happened
and because of our friendship we would still have
been good parents.
Claiming
the Birthright
Today I live my life as a 66 year old single gay
Christian man. If God sees fit to bring Mr. Right
into my life I am open to that possibility but
I am only interested in a life long committed
relationship. I feel a desire to model for younger
generations that it is possible to be Gray, Godly,
Gay and very Happy. I spend my free time counseling
and encouraging those gay men and lesbian women
of all generations that they can claim their gay
birthright and still have a spiritual life. They
don't have to pretend to be straight, get married
and end up hurting those they love most in this
life. That is the biggest regret of my life in
how my struggle affected my wife and children.
What a horrible fate so-called Christians including
(ex-gay ministries) are forcing on us by promising
us we can change. This is a lie because God did
indeed create us as "God's gay and lesbian
children."
I challenge anyone reading this to not hate yourself
but accept your God given birthright. Doing so
has changed my life and given me peace, which
I now have the privilege of sharing with one of
my sons, who is bisexual as well as a host of
"GLBT kids," that God has entrusted
into my care. Wow, I am back in the ministry but
now sharing God's love instead of hate.
Please email
me if I can be an encouragement to any of
you out there. Please join me in forgiving and
praying for those who hate us and would like to
deny us our rightful birthright.
Resources
If you want to check out the Web sites for "Broke
Back Mountain," here are two of the best:
www.brokebackmountain.com
www.davecullen.com/forum/
You can find the short story on which the movie
is based at:
www.queervisions.com/arch/2005/09/brokeback_mount.html
The Colorado Kid
coloradokid1973@yahoo.com
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